Blokes and Birds

Ever since Emmeline Pankhurst began chaining herself to public amenities back in the days of Marry Poppins, women everywhere have been demanding equality. Fair enough.

For the most part they’ve been successful, and after winning he right to vote in Britain in 1918, women have been breaking equality boundaries wherever they find them. From the top office jobs to members of parliament, internet CEOs and airline pilots, women can be found in every industry, performing every task.

But just underneath gloss of our equality triumphs, lurks a gross social injustice still waiting to be overcome.
Tell me if this sounds "equal" to you:

• Most birds will happily sit on other birds’ laps, but you blokes try sitting on your mate’s lap in a pub and he’ll jump a mile before slapping you sideways.
• Any bird can wear trousers, but I can only think of one or two blokes in the world who can get away with wearing a skirt.
• Two birds holding hand – no problem there. Two blokes holding hands – erm...
• Birds can wear guy’s perfume, but no guy would EVER admit to wearing Chanel no.5 or Angel.
• It’s always cool to be a laddette, it’s never cool to be camp.
• Two birds kiss on the telly and the ratings soar, two blokes kiss and everyone changes channel.

You see, the real battle takes place not in the office or the voting booth, but in our everyday lives. For true sexual equality, birds have to truly act, and be treated, like blokes. We must make fun of them as much as we do men. Rinse them, for only a sexist joke portrays true equality. If they no longer want to be seen as the weaker sex, they’ve got to be able to take it like a man like the rest of us.
And ladies, you need to play your part in our equalitarian society as well. You need to start feeling awkward about things you don’t understand and people who aren’t like you - none of this open minded nonsense. Feel insecure about your sexuality. Be uncomfortable with a mate standing too close to you, don’t look in the mirror before you leave the house in case you start worrying about your looks, and never, ever comment on someone’s hair unless you’re making fun of it! Oh, and spit a bit when you talk. You can’t be selective with equality now, can you?

And if you don’t like it, get back in the kitchen.